Update: Could it finally be our turn???

Well I know I am not the most consistent blogger in the world lol but I do my best. I jump around between my different blogs trying to focus on what is happening on my life at the moment. We had stopped trying to focus on getting pregnant so this blog got neglected a little bit. Sorry for that.

Anyway to catch everyone up on our family the reason we have been not trying to get pregnant is because my daughter was diagnosed with an aneurysmal bone cyst back in May and we were not sure what was going to come of it. Well just last week she ended up having surgery to remove the cyst and bone graft her bone. See why getting pregnant was not #1 on our list lol. Pretty stressful to know your daughter is going to have surgery at the age of 2.

Well once we knew that surgery was what was going to happen and we knew she would be in good hands we revisited the subject of getting pregnant. I was in the fridge one day and noticed the HMG injections that we had use last summer that failed. Well I noticed that they were getting pretty close to their expiration so I brought it up to Ryan. We decided to give it one more shot. I called and fertility clinic in Omaha to try and get an appointment but they couldn’t get us in until the middle of August. We made that appointment but the wait was going to be forever! (It was the middle of June) Well we really didn’t want to wait that long so we started talking about other options. I suggested just doing the injections ourselves and seeing what happens. I know it’s not the smartest option but I just had this feeling it was what we needed to do. So I sat down at the computer and started research.

After reading about other woman’s protocol and how they took their meds I formulated a plan. Our plan was to do Femara, an oral med, starting on cd3 and taking it for 5 days. Then on cd7 we started the HMG injections and did them for 6 days. I made an appointment with the OB clinic in North Platte to talk to them about doing an ultrasound to see if by chance the meds had worked. I went in and told them what was up and we did the ultrasound. The results were not very promising because there were not mature follicles. I left the doctors office not very hopeful.

Well as the days went on we started thinking about what we were going to do. We still had an appointment in Omaha with the fertility doctor so we figured we would just keep that appointment and see what they had to say. I started looking at medication prices and planning out our next cycle. Well around cd20 I started having some ovulation symptoms. I was kind of shocked because I was pretty sure that this cycle was a bust. Well I kept charting my symptoms and temps and sure enough on cd23 we ovulated! I was floored! We were supposed to be seeing the fertility doctor in a little over a week and we had just ovulated! Now the wait!

I tried so hard to stay hopeful that it would all work out but we had been in this same spot several times before. Every time it had ended in heartache! I tried to keep myself busy so that I would not dwell on it and just wait and see. I had a plan to test for pregnancy on the 15^th of August, 10 days past ovulation. Keeping busy was not hard seeing how I was going to Advocare Success School and we had Keira’s surgery the next week. Well time flew and before I knew it was the 15^th and time to pee on that stick that had given me so much heartache in the past…

To be continued….

cleaning out the clutter

Its been a hard few months for me because friends have been having babies and getting pregnant. I had a hard time with it for a while but it is getting better. I excepted a long time ago that we are not going to get pregnant and have more babies. So...I have finally come around and decided to get rid of some of the baby stuff that is collecting dust in my pile of stuff. One step at a time I guess. Small things at first like the bath tub and the towels. Will move onto the larger things with time. I wont get rid of the crib or the cradle  or the car seats till they expire just in case we do end up fostering or I need them for daycare but everything else will slowly go. I can't stand the thought of knowing it is just sitting around not getting any use. I will slowly go through the 5+ totes of cloths and get rid of them too. It for sure will be hard but at this point I don't see the need to keep any of it. *sigh* wish me luck.

update

So I have no reason to lie to any of you. No reason at all. So I have been MIA for a while but life gets a hold of everyone and we wonder off into our own little world and forget that people do care.

Well I know it’s been since about November since I posted last so there is a lot that has gone one. After our upset in October I went into a very dark place. I felt that I should not be a mom and I felt that I didn’t disserve my wonderful daughter. However the Holidays helped to turn my mood around a little bit. We went to Thanksgiving at my moms in Colorado and mom and I went black Friday shopping. That was a good time; I enjoyed the time I got to spend with just my mom. Then Christmas rolled around and we went to Grandma Joans like always and spend time with aunts and uncles and cousins. Some time in between there we offered on a house and got an excepted offer back…but more on that later.

Once the New Year roll in we as a family made a choice to get healthier. Don’t get me wrong we are not the unhealthiest people since Advocare has came into our lives, however we still have some work to do. I still have a good 30 lbs to lose before we even think about starting to get pregnant with meds again and Ryan could stand to still lose some pounds himself. This gave me something to think about…to keep my mind off of my failure to do what women were created to do. I started hard and heavy at working out and eating healthy. Well that was all going well until BAM we started talking adoption.

Well adoption seamed like the best route because it had to be easier and cheaper then the fertility treatments. WRONG…. You have to have a husband who is on board with it for it to work. This was something that I thought I had but did not. So the adoption train came to a screeching halt before it even got started. I was already in contact with a birth mother who said she was having twins, so I kept talking to her just in case Ryan changed his mind. Turns out there are cruel people out there who like to mess with the emotions of women who want to adopt a baby. Yeah she was a scammer!

February came in great because we finally got to close on our home. We are not the proud owners of a 4 bed 2 bath 2 story home, and we love it! Let the painting and decorating begin! The only other exciting part of last month was that I was able to attend Advocare Success School! Most amazing time of my life!

So here it is…March… Not much to say other then I still have lots going on and non of it is baby related like I would like it to be. I am back on track to lose weight and I am very blessed to be down almost 20lbs. Life moves forward and faster then you might think… so don’t forget to stop every now and then, take a deep breath and thank God for the blessings I your life!

Photo Card

We just made our Christmas Card! Can't wait til they get here. here is a preview!!!

Photo Card

View the entire collection of cards.

How to get out of this funk

So dreaded AF showed up. She came she was horrible and she is now bowing out. Thank GOD! Anyway I have done a lot of thinking over the past week and it has been a hard week. I spent my Monday night and Tuesday crying off and on. I then got angry like I usually do and by Friday I had totally lashed out at my hubby 3 or 4 times. I thank God every day for the wonderful husband that I have. He is amazing and I feel so bad when I lash out. I actually told him the other day when he asked me “what the heck is your problem?” I wanted to just start bawling and cry to him how stressful this whole thing is but instead what did I do? I Screamed at the top of my lungs “You are dear, you are the source of all of my problems! I think you would have figured that out over the last 5 years!” Now after I said that I knew I didn’t mean it. He knew it too. However it still wasn’t okay that I said it! I am working on this but there is just so much stress in my life and I don’t know that I can handle it any more. I need to find a way to ground myself when I get in them moods but I just really don’t know how.

This whole thing is taking its toll on me in other ways too. I fell that I am not enjoying my time with my daughter as much any more. She is a huge blessing in my life and sometimes I feel that I don’t disserve her. I feel that God made a mistake. I know in my heart that isn’t true but sometimes when I let my emotions consume me they are over powering it. I use to love to take my daughter to the park and now all I want to do is sit around. She wants to play and I just go through the motions. I know she can tell something is different. She has been super clingy to me over the past few days and I know its because she doesn’t feel good but it is also because I am almost being distant.

Another thing that this is taking a toll on is my hygiene. I just don’t even want to take a shower any more. I just want to lie around and not do anything. I know this is sign of depression. I know I need to just pull myself out of this funk but I just don’t know how. I just don’t know how to get myself out of this hole that I have dug and crawled myself into. 

Update:

I started bleeding tonight. It's just spotting but I know what that means. I guess no blood work tomorrow. Just sweats and hoho's!!!!!!

Why can't this be easy?

So I’m at a total loss. I am 13dpo and still have been getting negative pregnancy tests. I have done some research and some people don’t get a positive one until like 18 dpo so I guess it could still happen. AF should have been here today and all I have noticed was light cramping. However that can be a sign of pregnancy too. I have been moody emotional hormonal had the nose of a blood hound you name it and I have had it all other then morning sickness. I just have this feeling in my hear that I am pregnant and there for I am going to have my blood drawn tomorrow to find out what is really going on. I just don’t get it. Why can’t it be easy? I guess I will just have to wait and see. If this round doesn’t work out idk if I can take it much longer. Idk if this round was just a fluke or if maybe my body is going to try and work with me now. Well I guess I will just have to keep you up to date.