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How to get out of this funk

So dreaded AF showed up. She came she was horrible and she is now bowing out. Thank GOD! Anyway I have done a lot of thinking over the past week and it has been a hard week. I spent my Monday night and Tuesday crying off and on. I then got angry like I usually do and by Friday I had totally lashed out at my hubby 3 or 4 times. I thank God every day for the wonderful husband that I have. He is amazing and I feel so bad when I lash out. I actually told him the other day when he asked me “what the heck is your problem?” I wanted to just start bawling and cry to him how stressful this whole thing is but instead what did I do? I Screamed at the top of my lungs “You are dear, you are the source of all of my problems! I think you would have figured that out over the last 5 years!” Now after I said that I knew I didn’t mean it. He knew it too. However it still wasn’t okay that I said it! I am working on this but there is just so much stress in my life and I don’t know that I can handle it any more. I need to find a way to ground myself when I get in them moods but I just really don’t know how.

This whole thing is taking its toll on me in other ways too. I fell that I am not enjoying my time with my daughter as much any more. She is a huge blessing in my life and sometimes I feel that I don’t disserve her. I feel that God made a mistake. I know in my heart that isn’t true but sometimes when I let my emotions consume me they are over powering it. I use to love to take my daughter to the park and now all I want to do is sit around. She wants to play and I just go through the motions. I know she can tell something is different. She has been super clingy to me over the past few days and I know its because she doesn’t feel good but it is also because I am almost being distant.

Another thing that this is taking a toll on is my hygiene. I just don’t even want to take a shower any more. I just want to lie around and not do anything. I know this is sign of depression. I know I need to just pull myself out of this funk but I just don’t know how. I just don’t know how to get myself out of this hole that I have dug and crawled myself into. 

Update:

I started bleeding tonight. It's just spotting but I know what that means. I guess no blood work tomorrow. Just sweats and hoho's!!!!!!

Why can't this be easy?

So I’m at a total loss. I am 13dpo and still have been getting negative pregnancy tests. I have done some research and some people don’t get a positive one until like 18 dpo so I guess it could still happen. AF should have been here today and all I have noticed was light cramping. However that can be a sign of pregnancy too. I have been moody emotional hormonal had the nose of a blood hound you name it and I have had it all other then morning sickness. I just have this feeling in my hear that I am pregnant and there for I am going to have my blood drawn tomorrow to find out what is really going on. I just don’t get it. Why can’t it be easy? I guess I will just have to wait and see. If this round doesn’t work out idk if I can take it much longer. Idk if this round was just a fluke or if maybe my body is going to try and work with me now. Well I guess I will just have to keep you up to date.

It might have happened!!!

So we took a trip to Idaho this past 2 weeks. It was great seeing my family who I only get to see once or twice a year. I was very sad when we came home but like all good things they must come to an end. The best thing we got to do when I was there was that we got to go to the Boise Temple because they were having an open house before they rededicated it after its restoration. I have never been so filled with the sprit before in my life. 

Anyway I also think that I may have ovulated while we were up there. We made sure to take full caution and make sure we could catch our egg if we needed too. All I know is that I had fertile cm and then I had really bad cramping and then on Monday in the car and a real bad painful pinch and then it was like all of my pain was over. I’m pretty sure that was our ovulation! I am so excited! I will be testing on the 26th! To any of my family who follow this I am sorry if you put it together and figure out what we did in your house I am truly sorry but if you understand how we want to grow our family then we had no other choice.

Moving on but moving back.

We had given up hope on ever getting pregnant. I had decided that I was just going to wait until we hit our 3-year wedding mark and then start trying to adopt. Well my friend talked me into try clomid again. We did 150mg cd 3-7 w/ an u/s check on cd 15. The u/s showed nothing. So the doctor had me do 150mg cd 18-22 and here I am 3 or 4 days past my last pill and still nothing. We again said okay we are moving on after this round but my doctor said wait lets try femara. So I guess if this round doesn’t work we will be doing a round of femara and if that doesn’t work we are going to be refered to a specialist for a proceduar called ovarian drilling. It is a more long term fix. This roller coaster ride has just been extended. Yay for use lol. Anyway wish us luck!

Check out these new candies!!!

Hey everyone. I have been trying these new candies as a bzzagent and I love them. My daughter even loves them!!!! And the best part is they are good for you!

Trying again

I know I have been away for a while. We have been trying to focus on use and our daughter rather then ttc. We went and looked at a house yesterday and we love it! Now to just get prequalification and put in an offer. 

On another not we are back ttc. I have dropped a few lbs and am back on clomid with an estrogen. I go in on the 25^th for a mid cycle check. If we didn’t respond its not a big deal. We just wanted to try again! We have decided that if it doesn’t happen on its own by march we will revisit the idea of injections. Until then we just keep our fingers crossed!

Just an update

Today is challenge day 6 for me. I am half way through he cleans….WOOT WOOT!!! It really isn’t that bad. I just kind of miss my cheese lol. Everything is looking good and I am moving in the right directions. Hubby is on day 4 of his challenge but today was the first day he didn’t have to take the fiber drink. For any of you who have down the cleans phase of the AdvoCare 24-day challenge knows why this is just a great day. The fiber drink tastes good, don’t get me wrong, but the texture of it can be a little be…well lets just say thick. Its one of those products that you benefits out weigh the texture so you mix it up and chug it so that you can just get it over with. I have actually seen some people who let it sit a few min (this makes it very thick) and then eat it with a spoon. I think the hubby is going to try that one. Any way as of today I am down 5lbs and 7 total inches off my body. The hubby on the other hand is down 6.5 lbs and feeling good. We haven’t checked him for inches lost yet but will tomorrow. Well I just wanted to update everyone on our progress and I will continue to do this through out the month. And again if any of you want to know more about how to do this challenge comment and I’ll get you the info. Thanks so much for reading.

4 Pounds!!!!!!! And hubby is doing it too!

So here I am coming to the end of cleans day 3. I stepped on the scale this morning before I ate breakfast and I was down 4 lbs! I’m excited to measure on Wednesday to see if I’m down any inches. AdvoCare really does work. I am so much more motivated now then I was on Saturday lol.

Today my hubby started his 24-day challenge. It was a bit rocky at first because he was freaking out about the things he could and couldn’t eat. He is doing better now that I showed him how good some of the healthy foods can be. Anyway I though I would share his measurements too so we can both show you how we have changed at the end of the challenge.

Chest............................43 1/2 Inches                    

Waist ...........................44 ¾ Inches

Hips.............................45 Inches

Left thigh.....................25 1/4 Inches

Right thigh...................25 1/4 Inches

Upper arm left..............14 1/4 Inches

Upper arm right............14 1/4 Inches

Weight...........................250 Lbs

AdvoCare 24-Day Challenge

Well AF came and went and I am currently on like CD 14 or 16 or something. I kinda lost track seeing how we are not really trying. I took the Lydia Pinkham to see if it could help regulate my cycle. And I toke the last of that today. Never got a positive OPK so I guess it didn’t really work. Oh well on to the next experiment lol.

I recently started selling AdvoCare. I am in love with the Spark and the Slam products that they have. I am staring their 24-day challenge tomorrow. It starts off with a 10 day cleans and then for the other 14 days you focus on eating right and staying healthy. My goal is to lose around 10 lbs or 10 inches. Right now this is my current standings before

stating day one:

Chest............................53 ¼ Inches                    

Waist ...........................57 ¾ Inches

Hips.............................55 Inches

Left thigh.....................30 Inches

Right thigh...................33 Inches

Upper arm left..............17 Inches

Upper arm right............18 Inches

Weight..........................308 Lbs

Date: August 17, 2012

Now please don’t make fun or anything like that. Rude comments will be deleted. It is taking a lot for me to post that on this blog but mostly I feel safe because I’m trying to stay anonymous. I will not be posting my before photos until I have after photos to post with them. I will keep you all updated as I go along. I am checking progress on day 5 day 10 day (end of cleanse phase) day 17 and day 24. I am very optimistic about this so I hope I have good results to share with you all! My other hopes are that by dropping some healthy weight by the time we start TTC again I will have an easier time!

If interested in joining me on my 24-day challenge or getting involved in AdvoCare message me and I'll get you the info!

Changes

            Well AF came on Thursday. I wasn’t to thrilled because I had a busy weekend this weekend and didn’t really wanna deal with her. I was going to start the Lydia Pinkham but I forgot it back home when I came to my grandmas for the weekend. I will start it Monday and if it doesn’t work oh well.

            I have decided to make some changes in my life. So to kick off the new changes I started with my hair. I called the lady who has been cutting my hair for years in my home town but because it was fair week she was closed. So I stopped in the open hair place today and they had not openings. Well we have been forced to be frugal this pay period because of a rent increase but an over time decrease. I can’t afford to get my hair cut where I live now because they charge way more. SO…..I was getting ready to take a bath tonight and decided to pull my hair back tie it off and cut it myself. I cut off 13 or so inches and am going to donate it to have it made into a wig. I have been wanting to do that for ever!             Any way My hair doesn’t look to bad.

What is it with men!?!

            We started Provera on Monday. It was CD39 and I took a home pregnancy test (HPT) and it was negative. That’s what I expected so I stated the Provera. Like I said in the last post my temps were not very promising. We are going on to an UN RX cycle. I am going to start taking Lydia Pinkham three times a day from CD1 till I ovulate or the bottle is gone what ever works. For some reason they say that the black cosh in the LP can make you have a girl but I really don’t care the gender of the baby! I just want to have another baby.

            The hubby and I got into a huge fight on Sunday night about adoption. I really feel very strongly in my heart that I need to adopt a baby. I have prayed about it and I feel that it is what we need to do. Only thing is that my husband is against it all of a sudden. He actually told me that he would not love the child because it wouldn’t be his. It would be like someone else’s child came to live with us. It broke my heart. He is an amazing father to our daughter and I know he would be a great one to any child that we brought into our family. I guess I will just have to let him stew on it for a while. That is usually what I end up doing and things usually end up in my favor!

Basal Body Temp

            If you are a seasoned trying to conceiver you know all about basal body temping (BBT). If not then here is a little background: You take your temp using a special basal body thermometer. You have to make sure and take your temp first thing in the morning before you even sit up. You also need to take it at the same time every day! You can take the temp oral or vaginal (vaginal is more accurate) and then you track it on a chart. The reason for doing this is that after ovulation the spot where the egg was released from is called the corpus luteum. This spot on the ovary now produces progesterone. Progesterone is a thermal producing hormone that will spike your BBT. The temp will spike at least .3 degrees above the last 6 temps and stay elevated for an average of 14 days. Then if you are not pregnant it will drop back down to where it was pre ovulation and your period will start.

            Anyway the reason for this tracking is to make sure you know when you ovulated and to make sure your not testing to early. Well I have posted my chart for the last cycle below. It is really pissing me off because it isn’t doing anything that a normal temp would do. I am getting so aggravated because for the last week or so as you can see below my temp will spike and I will get excited because I might have ovulated but then it goes right back down! But then back up and I get my hopes up again! I think I’m done with this whole temping thing! Its just driving me crazy!

Provera here we come

            Well today is CD 36 for me and still not for sure sign of ovulation. :o( The hubby and I have been baby dancing every other day just to be safe but I think another round of Provera is in my future! I hate taking Provera with a passion. Their really are not side effects but just knowing that my body has failed me yet again just really makes me mad!

            We are going unmedicated this next cycle. I am going to try Lydia Pinkham herbal supplement. It is suppose to help regulate your cycle so we will see if it helps. They use to market it as “a baby in every bottle” I really hope it works for use because I am just so emotionally drained with all the trying.

            On a brighter note my best friend who is due in November found out last week that she is having a little boy! This is a bad thing for my pocket book though lol cause I keep seeing cute little boy things! And of course I end up buying them! I am so happy for her. 

Introduction

Hello. I am a 22 year old woman who is dealing with the horrible syndrome O. My husband and I have a beautiful daughter who is almost 2. When we found out we were pregnant with her it was a pretty big shock. For one we were not trying. For two I had actually been seeing a doctor because all my life I have had very irregular cycles. That doctor told me that I most likely has some hormone imbalances and possible could have early menopause. She wrote me a script for Provera to indue a period and sent me on my way. She told me once I had a period she wanted me to start testing for ovulation using an ovulation prediction kit (OPK), I started them on or around cycle day (CD) 9 and never got a positive one. Somewhere around CD 37 the doc told me to take a pregnancy test and come in for an appointment so we could see what was going on. I took the test on Feb. 24^th 2010 (my hubby’s 30^th birthday) around 11am when I got up. It was a very clear positive and I about passed out. Because me and my hubby (who was just my live in boyfriend of 2 years at the time) and I were not trying I didn’t know how to tell him. I called my bff Krystal and my mom and told them because I couldn’t keep this to myself. I went almost all day with out telling the hubby because I didn’t want to ruin his birthday. That night a bit before 10 I took another test and I just handed it to him. It was again positive and he was speechless. Happy birthday honey!

            Anyway fast forward 8 months and our beautiful baby girl was born. She was the most beautiful thing I have ever held in my arms! 9lbs 5oz of the most amazing creation God has ever made. She melted my heart and continues to do so 2 years later.

            So here we are…July 14^th 2012… the hubby and I have decided that we wanted to have more kids. We actually made this choice back in like March of 2011 but we decided we wanted to wait until after our lil girl was almost 1. Well September of 2011 came very fast and we began to try to get pregnant again. I got a positive pregnancy test sometime in October but it ended up being a chemical pregnancy the  chemical pregnancy that save us a whole lot of time and stress. When the doc was doing the ultrasound to see what was going on he noticed some weirdness going on with my ovaries. He referred me to an OB/GYN who ran some tests and diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) I was put on 100mg of Clomid for 5 days and told to wait. Well we waited the whole month of November and nothing happened. So came another round of 100mg Clomid and told to wait again. All of December and NOTHING happened. Well I was proscribed Provera gain and along came aunt flow. So we upped the dose to 150mg and again we waited. Only things time I lied to the doc and told him I was having a tun of pain so that he would do an ultrasound. Turns out I had a 22mm cyst on my right ovary that a few days later ovulated. Well even though hubby and I baby danced in all the right times sperm just didn’t meet egg and along came aunt flow again. We decided to take Feb off because of hubby’s birthday and a planned trip to Vegas. The cycle was anovulatory (what I expected) and we did prover again and went on to have my period. As March rolled around we did another round of 150mg Clomid with no response so we changed doctors. The new doc upped us to 200mg Clomid with yet again no response. She then referred us to an OB/GYN who did injections.

            I spoke to my husband about all of this and he said okay. We chose to take a month off so May was kind of just a relax and lose some weight month. After about 30 or so days of that my period showed up and we moved forward. We ordered $800 in HMG injections and started off to the road of hope! Well after 7 days of 150iu injections the ultrasound was not very promising. The doc upped my dose to 300iu injections for 3 days and had me come back. That was one of the most heart breaking days of my life. They did an ultrasound that showed nothing. Not 1 good follicle and not 1 good hope of even ovulation this cycle. The doc abandoned my cycle and told me to go home and call him on CD35 after a negative pregnancy test and he would call in some Provera and we would start again.

            It took everything in me to not bust out in tiers before I got out of the doctors office. I just couldn’t even thing strait. All I could think about was the $800 in injections along with the $1,300 in doctor visits that I had just waisted!!!! I drove home just bawling my eyes out. Finally I stopped long enough to call my step mom and vent to her. She was the most supportive person I have talked to in a long time.

            Once I got home and the hubby and I chatted we decided to wait this cycle out and see what happens. We are on CD 30 today and its not looking to promising. We have both adopted a new diet in hopes to lose some weight. We are working out more and have a plan to get down a few pounds before we start trying again.

             It has almost been a year and boy has it been a hard one. It seems like every where I turn around I have a friend or someone close to me who is pregnant. The worst part about it is that I can’t even share with them my frustrations because my hubby wants to keep this all to ourselves. That’s why I have stated this blog. I will remain anonymous to respect the privacy my hubby wants but I just have to share my story. I have to share my ups and my downs with someone. Hopefully I will connect with someone who is going through the same thing or maybe I will give hope to someone who is out there struggling with the same things that I am. Either way its just something I need to do so that I have a way to release my stress and not keep it all bottled up inside!