cleaning out the clutter

Its been a hard few months for me because friends have been having babies and getting pregnant. I had a hard time with it for a while but it is getting better. I excepted a long time ago that we are not going to get pregnant and have more babies. So...I have finally come around and decided to get rid of some of the baby stuff that is collecting dust in my pile of stuff. One step at a time I guess. Small things at first like the bath tub and the towels. Will move onto the larger things with time. I wont get rid of the crib or the cradle  or the car seats till they expire just in case we do end up fostering or I need them for daycare but everything else will slowly go. I can't stand the thought of knowing it is just sitting around not getting any use. I will slowly go through the 5+ totes of cloths and get rid of them too. It for sure will be hard but at this point I don't see the need to keep any of it. *sigh* wish me luck.

update

So I have no reason to lie to any of you. No reason at all. So I have been MIA for a while but life gets a hold of everyone and we wonder off into our own little world and forget that people do care.

Well I know it’s been since about November since I posted last so there is a lot that has gone one. After our upset in October I went into a very dark place. I felt that I should not be a mom and I felt that I didn’t disserve my wonderful daughter. However the Holidays helped to turn my mood around a little bit. We went to Thanksgiving at my moms in Colorado and mom and I went black Friday shopping. That was a good time; I enjoyed the time I got to spend with just my mom. Then Christmas rolled around and we went to Grandma Joans like always and spend time with aunts and uncles and cousins. Some time in between there we offered on a house and got an excepted offer back…but more on that later.

Once the New Year roll in we as a family made a choice to get healthier. Don’t get me wrong we are not the unhealthiest people since Advocare has came into our lives, however we still have some work to do. I still have a good 30 lbs to lose before we even think about starting to get pregnant with meds again and Ryan could stand to still lose some pounds himself. This gave me something to think about…to keep my mind off of my failure to do what women were created to do. I started hard and heavy at working out and eating healthy. Well that was all going well until BAM we started talking adoption.

Well adoption seamed like the best route because it had to be easier and cheaper then the fertility treatments. WRONG…. You have to have a husband who is on board with it for it to work. This was something that I thought I had but did not. So the adoption train came to a screeching halt before it even got started. I was already in contact with a birth mother who said she was having twins, so I kept talking to her just in case Ryan changed his mind. Turns out there are cruel people out there who like to mess with the emotions of women who want to adopt a baby. Yeah she was a scammer!

February came in great because we finally got to close on our home. We are not the proud owners of a 4 bed 2 bath 2 story home, and we love it! Let the painting and decorating begin! The only other exciting part of last month was that I was able to attend Advocare Success School! Most amazing time of my life!

So here it is…March… Not much to say other then I still have lots going on and non of it is baby related like I would like it to be. I am back on track to lose weight and I am very blessed to be down almost 20lbs. Life moves forward and faster then you might think… so don’t forget to stop every now and then, take a deep breath and thank God for the blessings I your life!

Photo Card

We just made our Christmas Card! Can't wait til they get here. here is a preview!!!

Photo Card

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How to get out of this funk

So dreaded AF showed up. She came she was horrible and she is now bowing out. Thank GOD! Anyway I have done a lot of thinking over the past week and it has been a hard week. I spent my Monday night and Tuesday crying off and on. I then got angry like I usually do and by Friday I had totally lashed out at my hubby 3 or 4 times. I thank God every day for the wonderful husband that I have. He is amazing and I feel so bad when I lash out. I actually told him the other day when he asked me “what the heck is your problem?” I wanted to just start bawling and cry to him how stressful this whole thing is but instead what did I do? I Screamed at the top of my lungs “You are dear, you are the source of all of my problems! I think you would have figured that out over the last 5 years!” Now after I said that I knew I didn’t mean it. He knew it too. However it still wasn’t okay that I said it! I am working on this but there is just so much stress in my life and I don’t know that I can handle it any more. I need to find a way to ground myself when I get in them moods but I just really don’t know how.

This whole thing is taking its toll on me in other ways too. I fell that I am not enjoying my time with my daughter as much any more. She is a huge blessing in my life and sometimes I feel that I don’t disserve her. I feel that God made a mistake. I know in my heart that isn’t true but sometimes when I let my emotions consume me they are over powering it. I use to love to take my daughter to the park and now all I want to do is sit around. She wants to play and I just go through the motions. I know she can tell something is different. She has been super clingy to me over the past few days and I know its because she doesn’t feel good but it is also because I am almost being distant.

Another thing that this is taking a toll on is my hygiene. I just don’t even want to take a shower any more. I just want to lie around and not do anything. I know this is sign of depression. I know I need to just pull myself out of this funk but I just don’t know how. I just don’t know how to get myself out of this hole that I have dug and crawled myself into. 

Update:

I started bleeding tonight. It's just spotting but I know what that means. I guess no blood work tomorrow. Just sweats and hoho's!!!!!!

Why can't this be easy?

So I’m at a total loss. I am 13dpo and still have been getting negative pregnancy tests. I have done some research and some people don’t get a positive one until like 18 dpo so I guess it could still happen. AF should have been here today and all I have noticed was light cramping. However that can be a sign of pregnancy too. I have been moody emotional hormonal had the nose of a blood hound you name it and I have had it all other then morning sickness. I just have this feeling in my hear that I am pregnant and there for I am going to have my blood drawn tomorrow to find out what is really going on. I just don’t get it. Why can’t it be easy? I guess I will just have to wait and see. If this round doesn’t work out idk if I can take it much longer. Idk if this round was just a fluke or if maybe my body is going to try and work with me now. Well I guess I will just have to keep you up to date.

It might have happened!!!

So we took a trip to Idaho this past 2 weeks. It was great seeing my family who I only get to see once or twice a year. I was very sad when we came home but like all good things they must come to an end. The best thing we got to do when I was there was that we got to go to the Boise Temple because they were having an open house before they rededicated it after its restoration. I have never been so filled with the sprit before in my life. 

Anyway I also think that I may have ovulated while we were up there. We made sure to take full caution and make sure we could catch our egg if we needed too. All I know is that I had fertile cm and then I had really bad cramping and then on Monday in the car and a real bad painful pinch and then it was like all of my pain was over. I’m pretty sure that was our ovulation! I am so excited! I will be testing on the 26th! To any of my family who follow this I am sorry if you put it together and figure out what we did in your house I am truly sorry but if you understand how we want to grow our family then we had no other choice.